#i am simply not good enough at games for this
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Thankful
Aaron invites Emily to Thanksgiving, and things change between them forever.
-x-
Hi besties <3
This years Thanksgiving fic is a little earlier this year because Thanksgiving is the SGW anniversary so I am posting chapter 80 on Thursday to mark it!!
Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate, and if you're about to have a really hard couple of days with family I am holding more space for you than queer Twitter is for the lyrics of defying gravity.
Here's a little getting together fic for you all, and as always let me know what you think <3
-x-
Warnings: None
Words: 3.6k
Read over on Ao3, or below the cut
Aaron groans and drops his pen to his desk, his fingers pressed into his temples as he looks back and forth between his completed pile of paperwork and what he has left to do. He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the headache he can feel building behind his eyes, and he blows out a breath.
“Coffee,” he mumbles to himself as he stands up and grabs his mug. He smiles and nods at Derek as he steps out of his office, and he walks past Emily and JJ’s empty desks. He spots them standing in the kitchenette, both of their backs turned to him, and he’s about to call out and make them aware he’s there, but he comes to a stop when he hears their conversation.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come to ours for Thanksgiving? Henry would love it, and Will makes enough food to feed the whole street anyway.”
Emily shakes her head, “It’s okay, I promise,” she replies, “I’m going to my mother’s. Part of my attempt to make good with her again after the whole faking my death thing.”
Aaron doesn’t have to see her face to know it’s a lie. Her relationship with her mother was still tense, at best, and he knew they barely spoke to each other. He’d offered to be a buffer of some sort, to go with her to see her mother - something he saw as his responsibility since her fake death had been his decision - but she’d turned him down. Her smile soft and appreciative as she told him she wouldn’t want to put him through that, her hand on his arm as he sucked in a breath and pretended that a simple touch from her combined with the smell of her perfume didn’t have him under her spell.
He couldn’t remember when he fell in love with her. It had snuck up on him, his feelings for her shifting from mistrust to friendship to more so slowly that it felt as natural to him as breathing. His love for her so much a part of him he didn’t know what he’d be without it anymore. He couldn’t remember when he fell in love with her, but he remembered when he realised. A familiar pit in his stomach as he stood over her grave that he’d felt at Haley’s funeral, the same suit heavy on his shoulders as he threw a rose on top of her empty coffin - the only flower he’d ever given her.
He told himself when she was in Paris that he’d do whatever was necessary to bring her home, that one day he’d get a chance to tell her that he loved her. Or at the very least, ask her out on a date. The reality of her return was different. She was a shell of herself, lost in the ruins of who she had once been - a feeling he was all too familiar with - and he knew there was very little she could take on top of the day-to-day of figuring out who she was now. He did his best to be there for her in the way that she’d let him, his support silent at first. Eventually, he knew he had to say something, worried that he’d lose her entirely if he didn’t, and they came to their agreement that she’d tell him when she had a bad day.
It had restarted whatever closeness they’d had before Doyle. She would spend evenings and her Saturdays with him and Jack. She’d sit on the sidelines of the little boy’s soccer games and cheer for him, her smile as close to hers as Aaron had seen it since just before everything went to hell. Any thought or attempt at telling her how he felt about her had taken a backseat, and he knew that he’d simply be her friend forever if that’s what she needed from him.
He clears his throat, feeling bad for eavesdropping, and they both turn to look at him, Emily’s smile slightly mischievous, “Sorry, Hotch.”
He suppresses a smile and reaches behind her to grab the coffee pot, “That’s okay, Prentiss.”
Outside of work, they only ever called each other by their first name, but they made a point of using surnames at work. They’d exchange a smirk as they did so and it had become a joke of sorts between them.
JJ scoffs and rolls her eyes at them, “Everyone knows you’re friends, you know,” she says, smiling before she turns to leave, throwing another comment over her shoulder as she walks away, “It’s okay if you guys call each other by your first names in front of the rest of us from time to time.”
Emily chuckles and shakes her head at JJ as she walks away, “We’ve been rumbled.”
He hums as he puts the coffee pot back down, “Speaking of being rumbled…” he starts, and she raises her eyebrow at him in response, “You’re spending Thanksgiving at your mother’s?”
She scrunches her nose up at him, “You heard that?”
“I did,” he says, hiding his smile behind his mug, “You didn’t want to go to JJ’s?”
She blows out a breath and looks around, making sure they are still alone, and she shrugs as she looks back at him, “This might sound awful, but I’m not sure I want to spend the day with them being an adorable happy family.”
“That doesn’t sound awful,” he assures her, “Sometimes the holidays just remind us…”
“Of what we don’t have,” she finishes for him before she sighs and smiles sadly “So I will be perfectly happy eating an entire pan of homemade mac and cheese to myself and hanging out with Sergio.”
Later, he’d wonder why he says what he says next. He isn’t sure if it’s the sadness she’s trying to hide from him, his love for her, or the thought of her spending a holiday alone, or even a combination of all three, but he finds himself talking before he really thinks about it.
“You could come over and spend the day with us if you’d like.”
She shakes her head, already ready to argue with him, “Oh, I couldn’t intrude.”
“It’s not intruding if I invite you,” he says, “Plus, I can promise no happy families. It’s me, Jack, Jess and her and Haley’s dad Roy who does not like me,” he smiles in a way he usually wouldn’t in the office, drawn in by her and the surprised laugh she breathes out, “So if anything, you’d be doing me a favour.”
She presses her lips together and looks at him curiously, and for a moment he’s sure she’s going to turn him down, but instead, she nods, her lips pressed together as she clears her throat, “Okay. That…that sounds nice. I’ll be here.”
“Good,” he says, trying to tamper down his excitement, “Jack will be so excited - we all know you’re his favourite person.”
She smiles, “Need me to bring anything?”
“Maybe that homemade mac and cheese you were talking about?”
She nods, “Okay,” she smiles at him, her lips pressed together as if she is holding something back, and then she clears her throat again, “I should go do some work.”
He nods, “I hear your boss is a bit of a tyrant.”
She chuckles and shrugs, throwing him a wink before she walks away, “He’s not all bad.”
___
She almost turns around and goes home.
She finds herself standing on his doorstep, a casserole dish full of Mac and Cheese balancing on one of her hands and a bottle of wine tucked up under her arm, wondering why she’d agreed to this. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to spend the day with Aaron and Jack, it was her favourite thing to do, but spending Thanksgiving with them, a day for families and spending time with those you love, was enough to make her ache.
She loved them in a way she wasn’t sure she had a right to.
She’d loved Jack the moment she met him. He was adorable and cranky in Haley’s arms as she walked into the office looking for Aaron, his cries at least in part coming from him picking up on his mother’s bad mood. Emily offered to take Jack for a few minutes when Haley tried to pretend she wasn’t furious as she looked up at Aaron’s office, and she’d been slightly surprised when she took her up on it. She’d sat at her desk for a few minutes with Jack in her lap and it was enough time for her to be completely charmed by him. Her love for him had grown with her relationship with him, and he was without a doubt one of the most important people in her life. Happiness and joy all rolled up into the smile of a 6-year-old boy who had already survived so much more than he should have.
Her love for Aaron was different. It had come out of nowhere, hit her like a truck as she stepped into his apartment and found him missing and his blood on the carpet. It was something she’d shoved down, something she’d pretended wasn’t there, and she’d been there for him as his world fell apart around him. There were times when she thought he might feel the same way too, fleeting moments when their eyes would meet and maybe felt as close to definitely as it ever had. Then Doyle happened. Tearing her sense of self apart for a second time, and she was glad there was nothing more between her and Aaron that would have put him in danger.
Since she came home they’d become closer again, any initial awkwardness gone as quickly as it had appeared, and sometimes she’d find him looking at him like he used to again. She wanted more with him, with him and Jack - to be part of an actual family for the first time in her life - but she wasn’t sure she was enough for them anymore.
She wasn’t sure if she’d ever get back to the Emily that Aaron may have once loved.
She’s drawn out of herself when the door to the apartment is torn open, and she looks up to meet Aaron’s eyes. A smile on his face that only seemed to exist in the confines of his home, a soft side of him that belongs to his son that he would let her see too.
“Hi,” he says, taking the casserole dish from her, “Happy Thanksgiving.”
She chuckles, “Happy Thanksgiving,” she tilts her head at him curiously, “How did you know I was out here? I didn’t knock.”
He steps back to let her into the apartment, “I saw you standing out here. I knew if I let you think about it any longer you’d leave.”
She presses her lips together and nods, “Sometimes I worry you know me a little too well.”
He laughs and puts the mac and cheese down on the kitchen counter, “I don’t think that’s possible,” he smiles over at Jessica who is standing in the kitchen and cooking, “Jess, you remember Emily.”
Jessica nods, “Happy Thanksgiving, Emily.”
“Happy Thanksgiving,” she says, “Everything smells amazing.”
Jack interrupts them before they can say anything else. He runs down the hall from his bedroom, throwing himself into Emily’s arms, “Emmy!”
“Hi Jack,” she says, hugging him close as she kisses his forehead before she pulls back, “Happy Thanksgiving.”
“You too,” he smiles, “I was just showing Grandpa the train set you got me for my birthday.”
Emily looks up and smiles at a man she’d only seen briefly once before at his daughter’s funeral. She didn’t have to be good at what she did to see the way Roy looks at her, followed by the way he looks at Aaron. Distrust and a hint of anger in his eyes that feels misplaced. It makes her shackles rise, her grip on Jack in her arms tightening as she slips on a mask she’d had for as long as she could remember. One that had grown with her since she was the same age as the little boy in her arms.
She paints on a smile and adjusts her hold on Jack, holding one hand out to Roy for him to shake, “Nice to meet you, Mr Brooks.”
He hums and looks down at her hand before he steps past her to get a drink from the kitchen, “You’re Aaron’s friend.”
She narrows her eyes as he turns his back and then she catches Aaron’s gaze, sees the I told you he hates me shining in his eyes, and she clears her throat, ready to protect the man she loves from anything, even his ex-father-in-law.
“Yes,” she says, her smile as polite as it could be, “I am.”
___
Dinner is hard work.
She has to stop herself from interjecting each time Roy says something passive-aggressive, or occasionally downright aggressive, to Aaron. The only things that stop her are the fact that Jack is in the room and that she’s sure Aaron wouldn’t appreciate her inserting herself into complicated family affairs.
By the time Jessica and Roy leave, she can’t help but wonder how such a horrid man had raised two such wonderful women. It feels unkind, especially when she acknowledges what he has lost, but it sticks in her mind. How he’s so obviously lost in his own grief that he’s taking it out on those around him, specifically Aaron, without acknowledging what he’d lost too. Or that he was the father of his grandson, the absolute hero of his grandson, and that if he carried on down the path he was taking Jack would only grow to resent him for treating his father that way as he gets older.
She blows out a breath and sinks further into Aaron’s couch, glass of wine in hand, and she smiles at the sound of chattering coming from Jack’s bedroom down the hall. She closes her eyes and imagines a world where this was her life. Where she sat here every evening listening to her Hotchner boys talk to each other, or snuggled between them on the couch every night.
She opens her eyes when she hears the bedroom door opening and she smiles at Aaron as he walks towards her, “He okay?”
Aaron nods as he sits down, “He’s okay. Holidays are hard - he misses Haley.”
“You both do,” she says, smiling softly at him.“It’s okay to miss her even though you weren't together anymore when she died. You’ve known her most of your life,” she reaches out for him, her hand on his arm before she can think about it, “It’s okay to miss her.”
He nods, blowing out a slow breath, chuckling humourlessly as he reaches for his glass of wine on the coffee table, grateful when her hand doesn’t slip away from his arm, her palm warm against his skin “And you say I know you too well.”
She hums, “I don’t think that’s possible,” she smiles when he does at her repetition of his words earlier that day, “Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
There’s something so honest about the way he says it that it surprises her for a moment, stealing the breath from her lungs as she smiles at him, “Has Roy always been like that with you?”
“Standoffish?”
“I was going to go for rude,” she mutters, “But yeah. Has he always been like that?”
He sighs and sinks back against the couch, a lifetime of memories hitting him all at once as he thinks about the man who had never quite liked him, but never used to hate him like he did now.
“He was never really a fan of mine,” he answers, turning his head to look at her, “But Haley loved me and he loved her so he…put up with me. Then when we got divorced he stopped pretending.”
She clenches her jaw, desperate to keep her words back long enough so she can make sure they’re measured. She was used to controlling her feelings for him around him but this felt different, the need to protect him so strong she felt it thumping alongside her heart in his chest.
“Still, you’re Jack’s dad, and his only parent,” she has a sip of wine, “He should show you the respect you deserve.”
“To him, this is the respect I deserve. After all, I’m the reason his daughter is dead.”
He only realises he’s said it outloud when she gasps, an intake of breath that she can’t stop as her eyes go wide. He knows he wouldn’t say it in front of anyone else but she had this way of flaying him open, of tearing him apart at the seams where he’d sewn himself back together, and he could never quite figure out if he liked it or not.
Being entirely known by someone was a privilege, but it was a vulnerability too, and it had been so long since he’d let someone get this close to him.
“Aaron…” she chokes out, leaning forward to place her glass of wine down on the table, “You…you don’t believe that do you?”
“I…” he trails off, placing his glass of wine next to hers before he turns, his knee knocking against hers the first indication he gets of how close she is to him now, “Sometimes.”
She isn’t sure if she wants to yell at him or hug him. Or both. Fierce protectiveness of him rolling through her again, even though it was him that she wanted to protect him from. She reaches out for him, and she hesitates for a second, her hand frozen in the air, before she cups his cheek and makes him look at her.
“It isn’t your fault,” she says, her eyes searching his, “The man whose fault it is died. He’s dead. You…you’re the reason your son is alive, and thriving and the happiest kid I’ve ever met.” She says, and he chuckles, the sound thick as it catches in his chest, “And you always joke I’m his favourite person but it’s you, Aaron. You’re his favourite person. He loves you so much.”
“I know,” he chokes out, leaning into the warmth of her palm against his cheek, trying to commit it all to memory for when it would come to an end, “Usually I can rationalise it. I know it’s not my fault. But...It’s just hard to remember sometimes.”
“I know,” she replies, smiling sadly when their eyes meet, “Better than most.”
They sit like that, in their half embrace with her hand against his cheek, staring at each other, and for a moment she thinks about leaning in, about pressing her lips against his and kissing him, but she stops herself. Her bravery snuffed out as quickly as it had ignited, not entirely sure she could take the leap unless she knew he wanted to jump with her too.
She pulls back abruptly, leaving his cheek cold as her hand slips to her lap and she clears her throat. “I should get going. Thanks for having me.”
Aaron frowns and stands up at the same time she does, “Em-”
“Sergio will be waiting for me,” she says, cutting him off as she walks towards the front door, “He is grumpy when I don’t-”
“Emily,” he says, firmer this time, stopping her from getting any further away by standing in front of her, “What’s wrong?”
She shakes her head, “If I have to say it, I’ve misread a lot over the years and I am really bad at my job.”
He sucks in a breath, and he knows it’s now or never, that if he lets her leave it would be over before it could even start. They were at a crossroads, two paths laid out in front of them, and he knew there was only one that he wanted to walk.
And it was the one where she’d be right by his side.
He steps forward, making it so there’s no space between them, and he tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. He sucks in a breath at the same time she does, and their eyes meet for a second before he leans in, her lips soft against his. It’s everything and more than they’d both imagined over the years, a moment in time and one that would last forever, drawing out around them like the finest of thread as they moved forward together. Everything they could, and would have, leading back to this one kiss.
When she pulls back she rests her forehead against his, her lips pressed together before she licks them, chasing the taste of him on her skin, “So,” she says, chuckling breathlessly, “I wasn’t misreading anything.”
He shakes his head and pulls back to look at her, both of his arms wrapped around her to keep her in place, “Em, I…”
She nods and rests her forehead against his again, “I know,” she cups the back of his head, her nails scratching against his scalp, “I know.”
They stand there, pressed against each other as they breathe each other in, the acknowledgement of everything else there was left to say, and he chuckles and pulls back to look at her, “Would it be cheesy for me to say this is something I’m thankful for?”
She laughs, the sound wet as it catches on a sob and she nods, making her forehead knock against his, “Yes,” she says, wrapping her arms around his neck and dragging him into a kiss, “But I’ll let it slide this once.”
She doesn’t have to say that she’s thankful too, because he already knows.
#hotchniss fanfic#emily prentiss#aaron hotchner fanfiction#aaron hotchner x emily prentiss#hotchniss fanfiction#emily prentiss fanfiction#aaron x emily#aaron hotchner#hotchniss#hotchniss fan fic
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Okay I’ve done enough sitting and staring at walls processing Wicked to say things about it now. Behold, the bullet points:
- I have now seen enough of Jon Chu’s work to expect the cutting to closeups during dance numbers when all I want is a wide shot of people all doing the same footwork, and because I was expecting it it annoyed me less.
- The poor lighting balance with some of the backlighting did bug me though; even if it was intentional I found it annoying
- That said!! These are minor quibbles! ESPECIALLY considering how much movie musicals have the potential to really suck. Do you know what absolute shitshows I have wasted three hours of my life on? This is not one of those.
- I simply cannot believe how good Ariana Grande was in this role. I was so fucking skeptical. I take it all back; I was unfamiliar with her game. Holy shit. And she and Cynthia Erivo have fantastic chemistry.
- Actually I’d say there’s not a weak point in the case (if there is it’s maaaaaaaaybe Jeff Goldblum, but that’s partially because I’ve never been a fan of his schtick).
- I’m having a phase in my life where I just want to look at Jonathan Bailey’s face a lot so this was great for that and he’s as incredible as he always is. Watching him dance is just an utter delight. I hope this movie makes him so much money that he can spend the rest of his career doing literally whatever projects he wants. I will watch all of them.
- also Glen Weldon described him on Pop Culture Happy Hour as “insultingly handsome” and yeah. Glen coming through with the phrasing as always.
- As much as I wore out my cast recording as a youth, I actually think Wicked’s biggest strength has always been its script so I am thrilled that Winnie Holzman was the screenwriter because it made the additions seamless and they kept all my favorite lines.
- I’ll say it again: if the show is very dear to you this movie really does feel like it loves its source material just like you do, so I’d recommend you go see it.
- I also second everyone who said “gayer than the stage production.” It’s great.
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My day starts with my paper delivery job. Oh, yes, I guess I never mentioned that I do have a new job? Just something to supplement my jewelry thing as a little extra income never hurts and the job is easy enough. Drop papers at doorsteps and move on, that's it!
When I do make it home I find a surprising little bowl of stew sitting right on my counter. This must be the work of Niklas, who else would randomly do me a kindness like this? My only question is, did he make it with magic or cook it by hand?
And hey, whether it was made with a dash of magic or pure culinary skill it was pretty good all the same! Seriously, what doesn't he do? Maybe he's just showing off at this point.
In the middle of my meal Niklas strolls out of my restroom, as if he lives here, mind you, and asks if I'm enjoying the food. Honestly, yes, I am. Okay, alright, it's about a 6 out of 10 but it gets 2 bonus points simply because I didn't make it.
"So did you sprinkle a bit of magic in it?" I can't help but ask, it's a harmless question, but I imagine if I could make my dishes better with magic, I would.
"No? I mean I guess I could but-"
"Could you make the perfect meal with a touch of magic?"
"I guess you could? Never tried it though," he admits and from the look on his i can tell he's never really thought about it. He really doesn't like using his magic, huh?
"You really don't like using your watcher given abilities, do you?" I can't help but shake my head as he's made that very clear. It's a little frustrating. Having so much power at the tips of your fingertips and denying it all.
"Honestly, Grace, the whole bit is overrated."
"You keep saying that and yet just last night you waved your hands around and poof, clean tub. Just that alone is amazing."
But he's not convinced, he's shaking his head as if I don't get it at all and takes a deep breath before continuing. "The Realm and all it deals with is not only overrated but dangerous. The regular person lives a nice and safe calm life while we? Well, we could be called upon to face horrors you could never imagine."
"Well..." I falter behind his gaze just a bit because who wouldn't when facing unimaginable horrors? "I umm, yeah, I guess it's that whole great power great responsibility thing then."
"It's exactly like that."
"Alright then...but still, I don't see anything wrong with a little sprinkle of magic to make a pasta just a pinch better."
"I could try, mess up, and accidentally poison your food and you'd be in the hospital right now instead of just eating an average bowl of soup."
Ok, I guess I get his point.
So the man wants the normal life. I can't blame him for that. It sounds like he wants to just move to Henford and live out the rest of his days there or something, I don't know. Again, I can't blame him for that but personally...I'd like to be able to do something magical. I guess it is true, you always want what you can't have, unlesssss you want to soak in milk I guess and relax. You can absolutely have that.
Magic or no magic I am handling my bills pretty well. Thankfully, this place isn't too pricey so I can manage. It always feels good to have things under control financially.
Especially when I can sell a piece of jewelry for 1k. It's not a fortune in the grand scheme of things but it's enough to cover rent and still have simoleons left over. A little breathing room helps!
Hopefully this little ring will sell!
With the rain pouring down outside I can only decide to settle at my computer for the evening and dive into video games. There really isn't much else to do in my little place especially with Niklas off doing whatever he does. So it should be a quiet and peaceful night. Just me, the rain, and my laptop.
At least that was the plan but it looks like I'll be having a late night visitor.
Standing at my doorstep in the middle of a storm is none other than Lilja, the vampire I met earlier in the spring. Our first meeting was strange and now I can't help but wonder what brings her here on this rainy night. It's hard to tell from her expression as it is completely neutral and her eyes, cold and seemingly lifeless, stare right through me.
"So, may I?"
"Come in, you mean?" I ask, stupidly. Of course she needs an invitation. She's a vampire. "Y-yes, I guess so."
"Thank you."
"So, you're not going to like abuse my invitation, are you?"
Lilja chuckles softly at my question, amused in that delicate way of hers. "No, if I wanted to take you then you would have been taken," she says with precision. Perhaps she's right. I have been a little casual with my night time activities but she has made it clear that she's not out to harm me.
"So, then," I take a steady breath and gather my courage. "What brings you here? Despite the fact that I don't remember giving you my address or anything." But I'm sure she's been stalking me. Vampires are natural born stalkers, I might not know much about them but I do know that.
"Did you know that there was a ward put up around your house?" she asks that question with a tilt to her head, as if she is testing me.
"What? Yeah, a magician friend put one up, I'm not sure why-"
"Friend huh?" She gives me a knowing look. Does she know about Niklas? "It was a very weak ward but it did tingle just a little bit, it seems your wards are...weakening."
"Yeah, he's..." I trail off but then stop myself. Why am I explaining this? "Are you stalking me?"
"Watching you, did you forget our deal?"
"I..." guess I have. "Can you remind me again?"
"The blood magic," she says, watching me, her eyes intent and focused upon my expressions. "Do you remember?" and so it comes back to me, the deal, the offer of her maker willing to teach me blood magic. It felt theoretical at the time but now it feels much more concrete.
"I-, yes, I do remember now. Is it difficult to learn?"
"No, just costly."
"Costly? May I ask why you're willing to do this? What is in it for you and your umm...maker?"
"Everything," the weight of that word brings silence and for a moment I'm not sure what else to say. "The Realm have hunted our kind to near extinction and only the help of a blood witch can save us now."
"Oh," so am I the chosen one? "You can't just find someone else?"
"It is in your blood, your mother-"
"Yes, yes, she was a blood witch, I know."
"I am inviting you back to the castle," she says, and I'm reminded me that she had warned me against coming back because her maker might attack me again and she sees that concern and memory in my eyes. "He rests still, he is still weak. He needs...blood."
"Umm, yeah, sure, since you are inviting me I guess, does Saturday work."
"Yes, sounds perfect."
I'm not sure what the time is but I am getting a little uncomfortable with her here. "Umm, now, it's getting kind of late for me so if you don't mind..."
Episode List - Next Episode 3.4
#The Sims#The Sims 4#ts4#Sims#Sims 4#sims legacy#my sims#generation 1#soot#sims of our time#gracelyn matlock#lilja larsen#niklas krausser
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some of the shit u have to do do get all A ranks in SA2 is impossible for mortal hands i think
#i am simply not good enough at games for this#dawn talks#spent an hour screwing around on the 3 minute mission of radical highway and gave up#watching walkthroughs like how are you fucking doing this
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dark justiciar shadowheart is genuinely so interesting to me as like... a facet to her character. like it really hammers home how desperate she is for shar's love and affection (+ the validation and love from other worshipers of shar). like in a lot of ways I get that it seems shocking to others / some fans because it really does contradict some of the morals we see her express BUT imo that just speaks to the level of desperation she feels. her comments on how shar "must" love her for her to survive the shadowcursed lands, or the bit where she talks about shar nurturing her and loving her and sounds... almost more like shes trying to convince herself more than shes trying to convince you. theres a bit about other sharrans not thinking she had earned her name, and of course the mother superior not thinking she was ready / worthy of being a dark justiciar. like shes just so completely desperate to feel unconditionally and securely loved, and to earn the approval of others that shes entirely willing to injure herself in the process (as well as.... the people who actually love her, of course).
not to mention that mechanically, afaik, she can only end up there if shes encouraged to by the player. ie... she needs to know someone else approves.
#CHEWING ON GLASS ABOUT HER BTW IF YOU EVEN CARE!!!!#shadowheart is the character EVER dude im so unwell about her#also this is not me judging her at all. shes just like me fr fr on this#baldur's gate#bg3 spoilers#bg3#baldur's gate 3#shadowheart#my post#eta: at risk of projecting here she seems so like. disorganized attachment to me. like that NEED to be loved#and craving that approval and fearing ur not good enough to get it#BUT ALSO being so scared to trust people in the first place that its hard to ever get that love#and kind of. how prone she is to rapidly going from total love and trust and openess about her feelings to just#completely walling off the player character if they say something she deems mildly uncomfortable or unsavory#oughhhh#im unwell man i am. simply unwell.#also tbh these tags are a fun game in: disorganized attachment style or bpd? why not both! sjdbdbdg
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thinking about the jimmy scar pearl venn diagram and absolutely just disintegrating over it
#(obligatory: as characters)#was extensively rambling to myself in discord when i realized the lifers who anguish me most narratively are those three#(out of the ones that i am familiar with anyways)#thinking about this more and getting so inconsolably sad. hey guys does the loneliness ever eat you alive#the ostracization the isolation the shame the guilt the desperate continual want & desire for genuine human connection#only to be categorically denied it at every turn#to be mocked because you cannot fly though you desperately try. and you fall each and every single time#to be so easily discarded because you will always die first. a truth so widely accepted you almost start to believe in it too#because being a ''good person'' just simply isn't how you play this game#because it's a fundamental truth of this world that you always play the role of the villain. why start acting differently now?#you were left behind and abandoned and locked up. thrown inside that tower to rot.#your hair will never be long enough to let down so you cut it all off. and when you start yelling & screaming & drawing blood because of it#it only further convinces everyone else that this was the right decision#because you're a danger. a menace. a demon. and you will only ever hurt the ones you love#Hey. Hi. Hello#Hey guys. i need jimmy to win so so so so so so badly
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I enjoy doing romance ask games and memes and stuff but I've come to realize there is a problem where I really only post about one (1) romance that doesn't involve other people's OCs lmao... My other OC/canon stuff is in Schrodinger's void (Teliah and Ismene situations), I'm just not that invested in (Xinyue situation... sorry girl ilu I swear), or is categorically Not The Romantic Kind Of Ship and someone involved 100% should be shot for everyone's sake, making it difficult to fit into that kind of thing (Carmen and Kasperia situations). Whoops
#manifesting that hexxat will fix this. one day. when I. start playing games again. whoops.#I was making SUCH good progress in spring rip#rambling#I guess there's also games it's been long enough since I played that they aren't on my mind (caina and zevran)#and obviously OCs I simply do not imagine in relationships at any point (I am sorry kiryana. manifesting a very rich man in your future.)
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the problem with exclusively having hobbies that involve staring at a screen is that you can recognise that there is a problem and The Screens are probably making your mental health worse but when you decide to do something against that by not doing one of your screen hobbies your brain just starts fucking eating itself from the inside out and you end up feeling like absolute dogshit
#lads i am having a HORRIBLE day#a horrible two days really i was already feeling shit yesterday#because i'm not really playing any video game right now and ace attorney is too much visual novel not enough game to stimulate my brain#so i thought hey why not take advantage of that by simply trying not to play video games for a bit#but i didn't consider that the lack of OTHER hobbies means i just end up not doing anything at all#and good god i severely underestimated the absolute fucking depression pit i was gonna fall in by doing that#i'm not GLAD i'm going back to work tomorrow but i'm. hm. it'll be better than this i'm sure#anyway yikes i'm sorry for all the negativity this weekend#what a way to start the new year
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when it comes to video games i’m a massive tryhard deep in my heart, but without skill or patience to support it
#re: that post about video games difficulty#i'd love to play everything on max difficulty but i simply am not good enough at games for that and am not patient or smart enough to learn#achievement for beating a game on highest difficulty is the bane of my existence
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Oooooooo you wanna find me great incredible Undyne centric content that I haven't seen before and will be consumed by ooooooooooo
#i say this because you genuinely cannot understand just how insane over her i am that i have legitimately seen almost all the interesting-#-content about her#i am not fucking kidding#if its on like the first 3 pages of anywhere ive searched for her ever. i have seen it. tumblr youtube ao3 google i HAVE SEEN!!!!!!!#ok well not as much with ao3. simply because im always searching for something specific on there. so like. there probably will be some-#-really good things on there i havent seen yet#but still. i have very high standards if there is anything I don't like ill spontaneously combust#and im legitimately like 94% i know literally every single thing about her mentioned in the game. so you wont be able to surprise me with-#-anything there either. but also you never really know so#i mean yeah just feel free to talk to me about her at any time. I wont be able to start the conversation. because like i just cant#but if you mention something interesting enough in the first sentence ill probably be able to keep the conversation going for a good while#sorry i probably sound really rude and snobbish rn cause im all like ''ugh i already know everything im so smart'“#''whatever show me will be beneath me'' BUT I SWEAR THAT IS NOT HOW IM TRYING TO COME OFF#IM REALLY REALLY SORRY I JUST GENUINELY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET ACROSS HOW I N E E D IT TO BE SOMETHING NEW AND SOMETHING THAT ILL REALLY-#REALLY WANT TO SEE#IM SO SO SORRY I HATE THAT I SOUND SO RUDE HERE I JUST. like guys i just really want to see something new‚ something thatll make me happy.#sigh#okokok.#all good guys#uhm. yeah. maybe if you find something maybe tell me but also idk because what if i already know about it then dont know what to say. i just#i j . i dont even know man#ok im done#undyne
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me saying "okay last try" like four times before giving up on beating the dungeon myself
#mine#the thing is. i am not bad at figuring things out. i am just bad at not dying to an overwhelming swarm of ads#the last try Got Me though because i wasnt quick enough after putting the light stuff on the thingy#so i had to start the loop all over again. and when i died because my poor rocket launcher was starving to death i was like.#ykw! its almost three am and i am just going to get more frustrated so i will simply wait until someone can do it with me.#and thats why im built different. because when a video game stops making me feel good i simply put it away#or in this case im gonna go fishing but
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Ok can someone pls. Explain to me. Why so many ppl are thirsting over cod characters rn
#like I think one of these men is on my Mountain Dew rn#beyond just simply not knowing Jack shit abt the games#I also am like. too aware of the fact it’s just military propaganda#tori says things#max says things#I am willing to overlook the propaganda thing for a good enough pitch rjfjebfjdbcjdncjd
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I need to make a new pmd story right now or I'll explode
#rat rambles#someone I follow made some pmd ocs based on one of their pokerogue runs and Im just sitting here like why didnt I do that first fuck#I have three guys Ive been using in literally every run (because theyre my only tier 3 shinies lol) and I wanna make them ocs sooo bad#I might end up doing it but I mostly am just unsure because Id have to make some tough decisions when it comes to their designs#mainly if I stick closer to the actual colors used for the shinies or make my own pallets for them#on the one hand I Do like the colors used for them but on the other hand I wouldn't actually want this story to be too pokerogue inspired#so like Id feel bad using the pokerogue shinies for a story that ultimately has little to nothing to do with it#second biggest issue is that one of them is a golurk and god I dont wanna draw that#also one of them is a pyukumuku and thats fine by me but it does necessitate some creativity#the other two are an eevee and leavanny#although Id definitely have the eevee evolve into flareon since my best runs with him were when he was one#now tbf those also happened to be the runs I got multilense on him (one of them I got two on him) and he was able to stunlock anything#slower than him to death with bites and steal all their items with covet#Im so glad they switched eevee's passive to pick up it makes my life so much easier#simple wasnt Terrible but it was hard to use well since most of its evolutions arent strong or defensive enough to utilize it well#tbf I didnt try very hard since leavanny is my default sweeper and he learns sword dance#but eevee does make for good support early on at least even if it takes good rng for it to hold up well late game#tbf leavanny should also be in that camp but its simply built different (gets sharpness as a passive)#golurk is the real one that falls off hard tho unfortunately#which sucks because it's terrible early game and good for like five seconds mid game and then mostly terrible late game#I say mostly because god does my boy hard carry me through the final boss every time#generally a decently built leavanny with stone axe can cleave through 90% of the game but bestie gets hard countered by the final boss#I will say tho that Ive enjoyed using pyukymuku Way more than I thought I would its lowkey highkey saved my ass more time than I can count#its soooo important in pokerogue to have a stalling pokemon because youre inevitably going to need one#oh yeah I forgot to mention that eevee isnt one of the tier three shinies but my boy is the lesser of two evils amongs my tier two shinies#the other is goldeen. which I have also used in a huge chunk of my runs. it was the second shiny I got.#that guy tormented me so bad I was sitting here having to convince myself that the seaking carry was real#every now and then I get to use a better water type and I feel a surge of emotion as I remember what it feels like to use a good water type#and then I sigh and go back to seaking since I need my luck score maxxed out and I dont have space for my other tier two shines because#theyre both 5 costs
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every time I have to wade through inane ship wars where people are willfully ignorant to the depth and facets of cloud strife's character, circumstance, and story just so I can find some cool screenshots or fanart my 'cloud is ace' agenda simply grows more potent out of spite
#rebirth literally said in bold letters he has multiple feelings. like humans do#and yet in the year 2024 i am still forced to see 'this ship was canon since 1997 unlike the other one'#do you have a brain that you use#are you capable of actually delving into the details of a character#without reducing them to barbie dolls that get smacked off one another#i just want to look at cool fanart man#dont even get me STARTED on how zack slots into all this#my boy has not haunted the narrative for you to go and ignore character developments like this#this is all coming out more blunt than i would normally try to write things#but brother i am so tired#i could write a whole post on how it is very real and normal for humans to feel affection for more than 1 person#and how it manifests in cloud and the whys#if the game itself is somehow not clear enough to you then you are simply choosing to close your eyes at that point#trying to act superior and objective about your ship while ignoring the material you claim to have gotten your Objective Facts™ from...#good gravy.#shipping is supposed to be a fun thing secondary to enjoying the content#not a primary objective to use it to argue with people#i would say peace and love on planet gaia but im sure some people would read it as peace and you can only love one person at a time forever#on planet gaia. haha.#anyway...... now that that's out my system i can be at peace again#shout out 2 my fellow multishippers who take this bountiful wealth of content and have fun with it#i think im gonna replay rebirth's story soon#want to see how much more i can pick out about new/updated approaches to characterization#rocket town will be very interesting in part 3 i think#yuffie too with wutai supposedly becoming a much more fleshed out thing#if this post somehow breaches containment:#if your first thought is to um actually me and whip out 'evidence'. i am not going to give you rhe time of day#because my rambling clearly went over your head and im not interested in 1sided discussion where i am being talked at rather than to#anyway have fun stop wasting time arguing and pls look forward to remake part 3 where i lose my mind over vincents waist. again#look what you did you raised my blood pressure enough to hit the tag limit. anyway peace and love on planet g-
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"basim isnt a warrior so be careful" is a funny way of saying "we didnt give a fuck about the combat so all of your controls feel unresponsive"
#parrying in all of the other games in this era were fine. what happened?#also this is basically an extended dlc and you can feel it in the writing. its such a nothingburger#its a stealth game where if you try to nudge your character they take 5 extra movements forward and get spotted immediately. very cool.#the parkour sucks and is now more restricted#what origins and odyssey did that felt so good was being able to pick your spot and go from there#ppl complain that there werent Any stealth elements but thats just how You decide to play it babey#i miss the Actual freeclimbing ability as in i'm not railroaded into using fucking handholds on long climbs. the parkour is simply not good#enough to do that nor is it interactive enough for me to want to be forced to do that#i'd like the setting more if the freerunning and climbing felt better ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#its next to impossible to get into a good grove. even to get one clean line without randomly jumping off or getting pulled to an unrelated#wall/object. it probably felt better in origins/odyssey because it was so much more open but still closed when in fortresses and such#also? the chain assassination suck. not nearly as fun as being able to chain your own actions#but all of this makes sense when you know that 1. this was originally a valhalla dlc and 2. it was made with the intention of being#ported to ipad. of all fucking things.#whatever i guess im just waiting for the next era cuz thats when the games end up being good again#pretty bummed. especially bc i played thru all of valhalla and didnt like it and am now going through basically an ac1 remake pasted onto#valhalla assets.#and tbh there isnt enough to do in a map this large even though its smaller. ik other people dont like fetch quests but it at least gives me#a reason to go to other areas where like. i havent even been outside the city bc it hasnt set me there. i dont want to just aimlessly wander#i have a lot of issues w this game but i'll shut up now
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[removing the original. Tags have the deal]
#echoes of the fettered#it's not even about the 'ohh they'd tjibk im crazy' no. it's not that#it's because nobody wants a serious conversation about the shitpost game#at least not the lnes rhat involve interpretations of the game. of possible themes and feelings for the player#and this is not me going 'well actually i am right and everyone else is fucking wrong about this game". no.#what im trying tocsay is that i reached the point where i simply cannot look at it in a simple way#i care deeply. so deeply about it. so my thoughts and feelings will be possibly as equal#these are all stretchs but it's like. y'know#nostalgia. celebration of internet culture (both international and local. from an specific era) and..cheapness?#moving on for tomorrow yet still carrying pieces of the past with you. both good and bad#the joy of sharing memories even if people don't get them at first glance#given enough time i could think of some more yet it wouldn't matter. because i cannot verbalize these#i cannot verbalize any feelings i have about this game#not only for lack of skill. but also for lack of space#it just makes me feel sad
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